Apart From Your Performance

Jesus says:

If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. (Matt. 6:22-23)

A better reading is this: “When your eyes are generous, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are stingy and judgmental, your whole body will be full of darkness.”

When I am officiating a wedding, one of my go-to passages is this one from Ephesians:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph. 5:33)

Of course, I discuss this extensively with the bride and groom during pre-marital counseling because, who are we kidding, they won’t remember much of what I say during the ceremony itself. Did you during yours?

During our pre-marital discussions, my main point is this: Husbands, in that moment of frustration, or disappointment, or even anger, please remember your wife needs your unconditional love first and foremost—apart from her performance … and she needs to see this in your eyes.

Wives, in those same moments, your husband needs your unconditional respect—apart from his performance … again, especially in your eyes.

The question is, “Are your eyes generous, or stingy and judgmental?”

Of course the wife needs respect and the husband needs love. But God the Father knows how we are each designed, and so of course he knows our primary needs.**

In Your Eyes

But my point today is more about “apart from his or her performance … in your eyes.”

Isn’t this what we are all searching for … to be seen in the best light, even when we mess up? You want your spouse to love you and respect you, and you want them to do so apart from your performance. We all do. Our hearts deeply yearn for this. Because so often our performance falls short. 

I add “in your eyes,” because in that moment of conflict, our spouse’s eyes are what matter most to us. That “look” can indeed kill the spirit in our hearts.

In His Eyes

But thankfully, your Heavenly Father’s eyes see you beyond and apart from your performance. Even when you do not deserve it. My performance typically lacks luster, certainly in the eyes of a perfect God. But I can rest in the assurance that his love for me, and his promise to always be with me, even until the end of the age, is not conditional on my performance.

What a monumental relief. With this promise, I can rest, and you can rest, from the performance mode that has been drilled into us, and find peace in pleasing our Father. 

Pleasing, not performance. Joypower, not willpower. Blessings, not burdens.

(I am not going soft on obedience: obeying God is essential to the life that is truly life. But I am going hard against judging eyes.)

If you want to live in the flow of the Kingdom among us, you will first receive this promise: that your Father views you with generous eyes, apart from your performance. As you start to live with this promise, you will seek to view your spouse, your children, and indeed everyone, in a more favorable light — with bright, generous eyes—apart from their performance.

Don’t miss Next Week: God’s first covenant of “love apart from performance” with Abraham—and with you. Genesis 15

**You can read all about this in Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ wonderful book, “Love & Respect.”